WESTIN, NJ — Forty-two pornographic images were seized from a student at Westin East High School after a teacher overseeing study hall oversaw three of them fall from the student’s backpack onto the floor. The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, but who is commonly known as Billy Spaks, was sent to the principal’s office for questioning on Tuesday.
“My class is not the time for sitting around and looking at pornographic images,” said Richard Berns, whose fifth-period study hall session consists of 18 students. “I’m pretty sure porn is not conducive to a learning environment.” Berns immediately confiscated the images, which were contained within a folder labeled “Not Porn,” and put them in a desk drawer for further investigation.
Upon receiving Spaks in his office, principal George Ulysses requested the images be placed in his own desk for safe keeping. “This is a serious situation which requires that all related evidence be kept in the hands of those who control the student’s fate,” said Ulysses while twirling his mustache. “That’s me in this case.”
Said a disappointed Berns of the evidence relocation, “I was going to investigate the images myself to save time for Principal Ulysses. But if he wants to look at them personally–hey, well, that’s what’s got to happen.”
According to Ulysses, possession of pornographic images on school grounds “is like possession of marijuana, only slightly different.” But Spaks’ sentence, if any, has yet to be determined. “I want to conduct a full investigation to ensure that the images are indeed pornographic,” said Ulysses while stroking his beard. “The dictionary defines pornography as ’sexually explicit material.’ But isn’t explicitness a matter of judgment?”
Ulysses has alloted himself a full day off to analyze the pictures, all of which feature fully nude females standing in front of mirrors at angles which maximize visible skin surface area. He claims that detailed research is necessary to gauge the level of sexual explicitness exhibited in each photo, and using this information he will issue a corollary punishment to Spaks.
“If, for example, I find the pictures to be only mildly arousing in an academic sense,” added Ulysses while tipping his hat, “I will most likely give Spaks several detentions. However, if they fall more towards the ‘hot’ side of the spectrum, again in a strictly academic sense, suspension or expulsion may be a necessary consequence.”
Vice-Principal Stuart Smith, who has agreed to fill in for Ulysses on Friday, plans to loyally guard the principal’s desk drawers.
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