Hi 2008

I think “avid” is an appropriate term for my previous blogging, as I have been gone but two weeks and already feel the pangs of separation between myself and WordPress. Moreover, due to my rather frequent posting habits of yesteryear, two weeks is something of an eternity to be away from my window to the world. Not long enough, however, to come back with a tacky “hello world!” post, in which the only words are “hello world!” (words, I might add, which are more suitable for the millions of blogs that die after their first post, namely the “hello world!” post).

And speaking of glass-pane metaphors, I suppose I should reconsider my last. If this were merely a window to the world, I’d be sitting with my elbows on the sill and watching the rain fall, or perhaps be spying on the creepy old lady next door. It’s more than a window because of its interactive element. Maybe a drive-through window is more appropriate. Especially for quick posts.

Anyway, I’ve discovered a strange cycle in my writing habits. It seems I flourish with my words towards the end of summer, and become weighed down by the oh-so-familiar blank screens of writer’s block in December and early January. What does this mean for you, reader? Why, it simply means that the temporary vow of silence I’d taken in December was a mental vacation. Call it holiday stress, call it seasonal affective disorder, call it what you will. From here on I’ll be picking up speed as far as I can guess.

What will be different about this magnificent new year, two thousand eight, will be the lack of those twice-a-week “neologisms of the day” that have attracted so many fans and admirers. Sure, I can think up twenty or thirty novel words. But 104 a year, on top of school and work? Not a promising promise. I’m sure I’ll have some neologisms to share with my readers (I have a couple brewing) but they’ll appear only when they’re borne from the depths of my insanity (in other words, in a sporadic fashion).

This semester’s going to be tough on an English major. Four classes and fifteen books, twelve of them plays and novels. So this is no summer vacation for me or my WordPressin’.

See you all in the coming weeks.

P.S. Screw that post about not spending any money in January. I’ve already failed.

P.P.S. Reflecting on this reflection, I realize I’d committed one of the cardinal sins of blogging: thinking my material was immaterial to the blogosphere. But anything you write, whether it’s trivial or indispensable, whether it’s publicly displayed or burned immediately afterward, is a step forward in the career of a writer. The only way to get better at writing is to read and to write, and wouldn’t you know it? Blogs provide both services.

P.P.P.S. Yes, I should just include all these postscripts in the main body of my post. But it’s fun to have them down here. Anyway, here’s what I just realized, and this goes along with my post about wanting to have been born in the 19th century: blogging is, in a sense, a step up from conversation. And when it’s put that way, it’s almost like the modern-day equivalent of writing letters to friends by candlelight to discuss anything and everything in a diplomatic and intelligent way.

Neologism of the Day: 12/23/07

infinirinse vb to wash residual food from a utensil or dish using only a steady stream of water, esp. when a sponge is readily available

Ben stood at the sink holding a knife under the water, watching clumps of butter lackadaisically descend down its sharp edge, and never once considering, perhaps due to his male instinct, that infinirinsing had any logical alternatives.

Words… or, Lack Thereof

You may have noticed my failure to update this blog recently, aside from my Neologisms of the Day. Or you may not have. I certainly have. But then again, this is my blog.

Anyway,  I’ve been posting constantly since August, sometimes more than once a day, and I’ve reached a block. I’ve even stopped dead in the middle of the short story I’m writing.

Writers: you can sympathize. No man contains infinite words.

So I’ll return with some new stuff probably later this month, or perhaps January, but most likely no later than January.

In January, of course, I start the spring semester at Rutgers, for which I have already bought 13 books.

For three classes.

Bye for now.

Neologism of the Day: 12/19/07

thermal hug  n  warm comfort gained by adorning oneself with a blanket or garment fresh from the dryer

see related:  

endogarment  n  a rapidly cooling garment from the dryer that leaves the wearer with a feeling of abandonment upon reaching room temperature

There’s nothing quite like a toasty thermal hug from your favorite sweater on a cold winter day, despite its eventual and inevitable endogarmency. 

Neologism of the Day: 12/16/07

fourth-world country  n  a country whose citizens are as thin as wheat because they cannot afford Wheat Thins

Sadly, most Americans are unaware of fourth-world countries except through those dime-a-day television commercials, which they usually watch while munching on Wheat Thins or sugary snacks. 

Neologism of the Day: 12/12/07

chocoport vb to travel through time using a hungry child and an advent calendar

Though Professor McDervitt failed to complete his time machine, with the help of his nephew he was able to chocoport to late December, when all of his colleagues had forgotten about his worthless invention.

January

Ah, December. It’s a heart-warmer and a wallet-breaker. Hundreds of dull green rectangles will inevitably go flying from the creases of your wallet (which you thought was safe in your back pocket) into a motley assortment of cash registers and the hands of the bell-ringing Santa brethren, while you, oblivious, are mesmerized by glowing fires and off-key carols.

There’s nothing you can do about twelfth-month expenditures if you celebrate Christmas, apart from some drastic precautions that involve you either temporarily converting to Buddhism or “going missing” until the stores have turned red with Valentine’s Day candy. However, there is something you can do to offset the tears your wallet has no doubt already shed. You can carefully monitor your January expenditures.

To take this even further, I plan to spend zero dollars in January with scarce exceptions including gasoline and my car insurance payment. I’ve attempted something like this before, but it certainly didn’t last for an entire month. To combat straying from this path, I’ll be posting any superfluous expenses right here on this blog for everyone to see. If I fail, I might as well do it publicly.

I am not attempting to carry out such an ambitious task with a loophole, either. I’m not going to go out and buy things this month I think I might need in January. But thirty-one days isn’t that long, is it?

(Answer: Yes, it is.)

P.S. This is not a New Year’s resolution. Those are meant to be broken.

Neologism of the Day: 12/09/07

per·en·ni·a·ligh·ter \pərˈɛn-i-əl-ɪ-ɾər\ n a member of the male species who refuses to take down Christmas lights under the guise of constant preparedness —per·en·ni·a·lit adj. being permanently adorned with Christmas lights

By late April, Harvey realized there were only eight months left until Christmas, and for this reason kept his house perennialit in lieu of removing what he’d inevitably have to put back up.

Would it Matter?

I’ve been given to some strange thoughts recently. But perhaps they’re not strange at all. What if, I ask myself, what if there were only ten people left on Earth? I seem to be asking myself this question, along with What if I were the last person on the planet?, whenever I encounter something trivial that tries to steal its fifteen minutes of fame in the grand scheme.

Here’s what I’m talking about: I’m a shift manager in a retail pharmacy. Today I was ringing up a woman who had purchased two things, and before she paid, she rooted around in her purse for a full five minutes with a long line of impatient customers behind her, finally producing the small rectangle that ended up being fifty cents off her nasal spray. She was really nervous she wouldn’t find it, too. But think about this: what if she were among the last living humans on the planet? What if, say, nuclear war decimated the rest of us, turning us into human toast? Her fifty-cent coupon wouldn’t matter.

Obviously this is an example of frugality, which to the woman was a dire necessity. But there are plenty of other examples of things people do that seem so important to them — but aren’t really important at all. And they aren’t worth fighting over. Look around you: there are people like this everywhere. No one seems to think about the grand scheme of things when they chase a rogue penny down the street or argue over who said or didn’t say something (here, I’m talking everyday banter, not incriminating political statements).

Like it or not, life is evanescent. Do this for me: picture yourself one year from now. Are you affected by a fifty-cent coupon you forgot to use 365 days ago? Do you even remember the subject of an intense argument you had that same day? More than likely, you’ll answer no to both of these questions.

Now picture a long, dark hallway on the top floor of an unfamiliar house. Guide yourself down that candlelit passage until you reach the last room on the right. You see a wrinkled old shell of a person in the center of a large bed. This is you. You see your spouse, but the rest of the people in the room are only vaguely familiar.

What’s important to you on your deathbed? Is it the paltry argument you had when you were 33? Is it the estrangement of a family member after she refused to repay the $50 you loaned her?

No, it’s not.

If only people would think about things like this before they allowed trivialities to have any real consequences.

Neologism of the Day: 12/05/07

Today’s neologism is an autoantonym.

cop·cel·er·ate \kap-ˈsɛl-ər-eɪt\ v 1 : to decelerate a speeding vehicle in the presence of a police car 2 : to speed up a police car in the absence of other police cars —a·tor n one who ~s, —a·tion n the process of copcelerating

Martha, running late for work, was further delayed by a chain reaction of copceleration that persisted through several suburban blocks.

Officer Mendel copcelerated to obscene speeds through the countryside.