Where Are You?

Picture a vast, flowing field of wheat. Or, if you prefer a cliché, picture some amber waves of grain. Imagine, say, a hectacre of them. But remember that a hectacre is a deceiving unit of measure–it is not 10 acres, but rather 2.47.

So somewhere in this 2.47 acres of wheat (you may approximate) is a single stalk. Or maybe it’s a grain. What do they call one wheat? Is it a blade? A wheaticle?

Focus on your wheaticle. This one among thousands. Then zoom in with your imagination and look at just the top of it, where those mini “branches” are growing off.¹ Then look at only ONE branch, and on that branch, a single cell growing on its tip.

Are you still with me? Okay, good. I need you to picture a gnat bothering that cell. It’s flying around the cell’s head, pestering it simply because that’s what gnats do best.

This blog is the gnat. That’s how insignificant and obscure it is on the Internet, which is the hectacre of wheaticles. I suppose, however, this metaphor all depends on your knowledge of what wheat looks like. But if you’ve never seen any, you really aren’t living. Or you don’t pore over the details on cereal boxes.

Do not be confused! This is not a blog about gnats, nor will I even talk about gnats. If you are a gnat enthusiast, and have come here looking for information on gnats, I apologize. Well, maybe if I have a good story about gnats, I’ll write something about them, but that’s about it. But the point is, the gnats were only part of a metaphor to help you understand–

Wait! You’re reading this? I have a reader? How did you possibly find this gnat in a wheat field? Were you looking for something else in that hectacre when you came across it? A lost nickel, perhaps? Don’t go anywhere, though, because sometimes there are cartoons and pictures, which are particularly useful to the ADD-stricken or illiterate. So if you don’t have the patience to peruse a unique sequence of words (which is really all this blog is), which I can’t imagine is the case with you, who are clearly reading this, there are plenty of colorful, visually stimulating, demented images to damage your retinas!²

Be warned, though, folks: this isn’t your mother’s corner of the Internet. On occasion I am known to use filthy, vile words like “darn” and “disagree,” so if you favor clean, wholesome blogs, do not read the crap I am writing. Otherwise, thanks for paying attention to my gnat on a wheaticle.

¹ They’re called “awn,” for anyone who cares.
² Only if you stare at them for 62 hours.