Who Am I?
I am Kevin Dickinson. This is only a pseudonym, though.* I live in Cherry Hill, NJ and I am a tyrophobic, ectomorphic logophile… and a top-secret government spy with a license to kill.† In order to preserve an appearance of normalcy, I work part-time at a local pharmacy under the name Vermillion McGast.‡ When I’m stocking the shelves with Preparation-H, I am sometimes interrupted by emergency transmissions from the big boss, Jerry.¹ Most of the time it’s just him telling me to go get him bagels and coffee. But sometimes (and these are the ones I listen for) he orders me to undertake top-secret, highly confidential, ultra-clandestine missions of the most dire importance. Usually he tells me to go ski in front of an avalanche, or dive from an exploding mountain cabin, or throw some detonating sunglasses off a rock face. Standard spy stuff.
In my spare time I work for the bomb squad (in Ohio) under the name George Harrison.² There are not many bombs requiring emergency disarming in Ohio, so I basically get paid to eat potato chips¤ (in a bomb suit). Sometimes my fellow bomb disarmers will want some potato chips too, but they can’t have any because I eat them inside my sealed bomb suit. I use that as an excuse, but I wouldn’t give them any of my potato chips anyway. One time I actually had to disarm a bomb, and while I was debating which wire to cut,³ I realized I was really hungry. Luckily there was a half-eaten bag of potato chips in my bomb suit. I was eating chips and cutting wires all at the same time,◊ and no one got hurt. I got a medal for bravery, but I like to think it was a medal for eating chips. That would be funny. Oh, also I write this blog.
*Real name: Lumpy Chambers. (Secretly, though, this is only a nom de plume.**)
†Not really. I’m just a crazy person with a standard driver’s license. Though I wouldn’t be too surprised to learn that the government was top secretly spying on me.
²Sometimes George Jetson.
◊I can also walk and chew gum at the same time. Just ask me. You can come up to me and say, “Hey, aren’t you that one guy, from that one blog? Walk and chew gum for me!” and I’ll do it.
¹Actually his name is Harold.
**Real, real name (I am not lying this time): Bumpy McBaggot (Okay, I was lying. This is a pen name.***)
³It’s ALWAYS the magenta one. Don’t listen to anybody else.
‡Ha, wouldn’t that be funny! No, seriously, I go by “Flippy Wittz.”
¤I like pretzels too.
***SERIOUS REAL NAME, NO JOKE: Kevin Dickinson
This intro about yourself is really good, and funny in a whacky way that is so dear to me!
Most of the rest of this blog is um, er, is weird a hard word? It is very….unique and dysfunctional.
No, seriously, I find this stuff about queues and people behavior very much like what a mathematician like Nash would have thought in his Game Theories….
But, nonetheless, I will be back!
Weird is not at all harsh–I’ve used it as a self-label too many times to count. But who wants to be “normal?”
A most excellent¹ use of footnotes.
¹ And by this I mean creative and entertaining, more than “possessing outstanding quality.”²
² Which is not to say that your footnotes lack in quality. It’s just not what I had in mind when I used the word.
Yes, I have always had a particular inclination toward the use of such.¹
¹Footnotes, that is.
Shouldn’t the plural of footnote be feetnote?
That’s a good point. If you have a massive abundance of feetnote, then, I should think the term feetnotes would be appropriate.
I have a friend in the writing business, if you pass me your info (mailing address and such), I could pass it along! They usually send out packets and forms for you to fill and and then return samples of your writing.
Keep up the good work!
Sure, if you give me their website first. I have to make sure this isn’t a spam comment
thanks for the funny comment on my blog. It was heartening. Leaving funny comments is a lost art.
It used to be practiced in public bathroom stalls across this nation but then gang members and lonely homosexuals ruined that for everyone.
A funny comment can tell you a lot about a person; you seem like a good egg to me.
I will check back now and again.
What does the name mean? Ban Cheese or Banc Heese (some scandinavian banc?)
I’ll hang up and listen.
Andy (or Andyfo X?): I suck at coming up with aliases for myself — screen names, blog names, whatever. People think I’m weird because I hate cheese and I’m not lactose intolerant (or, as my friend’s Polish mother once said, “lactate intolerant”). I suppose it could be Banc Heese, thus granting myself some unearned credibility as a Finnish banker.
Dry and drowl. Keep’em comin’ Kevey baby …
Thanks CD!